I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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