then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
