Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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