sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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