life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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