I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
