she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
