dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
