I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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