so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
