i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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