Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Randomize
