oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
