I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Randomize
