well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
