this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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