i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
