I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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