Betty ford says i'm here all night
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
