got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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