he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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