Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
