Apparently you make a good broom.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
