ya dads aren't the best wingmen
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
