I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize
