woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
