I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
