i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
