I must be too annoying 4 u.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize