I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
