Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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