I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
