I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
