We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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