the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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