the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
