after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
