Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
