Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
