Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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