We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
