I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize