Just fell off a train. Bad.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
