I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
