Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
