He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
