I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
