her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
