I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
