I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Randomize
