My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
