You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
