i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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