Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Randomize
