Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
