It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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