I am spending my child support on dildos
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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