I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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