I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
